I have noticed after using the dating app for adults on the spectrum called Hiki which I’ve already mentioned in a previous blog article weeks ago; there is a real surge in men on the spectrum looking for friendship and/or love.
I decided to take the time to try and successfully match up with men who are looking for friends who are aspies just like me, but I’ve noticed by the vibe that they seem to be quite depressed individuals that see Hiki as a last resort for finding friends that they hope they ca keep with ongoing interactions on the app and maybe even hang out as new friends if they live close on one another.
So far, I’ve struggled to even find male aspie friends in my home country as majority of potential matches were in fact all based around the USA and some countries around Europe; so if I’m only be fortunate enough to only have them as male one line friends if I match up with a guy looking for friendship.
From first impressions, I don’t even know their sexualities so I can’t be sure if any of them are even heterosexual like me who want to form a aspie bro squad like I do, because no neurotypical men want a quirky fellow in their squad to put off their image. I also sensed a vibe that most of them are bisexual and looking for a hook-up as every time I match up with them and I speak first, I don’t even get a response. So what was the point of you approving a friendship match with me if you won’t start a conversation and get to know one another? Is it you suddenly we’re thrown off by the way I look in my display pictures? Is it because you feel intimidated with what I share on my bio that makes you feel less of a functional aspie than me? There’s no need for that… we are all on the spectrum and we all have our differences and we should be befriending one another and just support one another in this foreign world we live in once you match up with a potential ‘bro’ to build a friendship with.
But with this concept of having at least one new male friend and becoming a bro squad pair quite difficult when our interest aren’t the same but I can sure as hell go out of my way to get to know them before the conversations fall short and quickly after a hello and where do you live whether its country or city or town anywhere in the world. It’s still difficult to find male friends with the same interests on me on Hiki, but strangely enough with much hypocrisy, I have better chances of making more female friends with matches and take the time to get to know them despite difference in interest with nothing in common to share but I show some appreciation in letting them talk about their interests and what they do for a living which is either they’re studying or working. I feel terrible for saying that since the foundations of forming friendships with men collapse since I won’t allow males to share their interests with me that I don’t have an interest in and showing no appreciation to their interests if it means having general conversations and enjoy experiencing interacting with other aspies.
Another thing I’ve noticed which is quite common in men I go through on the app is that there’s a fair amount of men who are identified as a non biological gender from the LGBTQI+ community and they flaunt their colours so colourfully with the hair and clothes; and that’s fair enough because I’m sure they’ll be real close knitted with folks alike in the ever growing aspie LGBTQI+ community from a different world of colour.
Then there’s the men who are looking for a friendship with women, which is more of the stretched term ‘friend with benefit’ when they select friendship for each woman they have as potential matches and instantly start flirting with the matches after a simple hello where they easily scare off the woman unless the woman is desperate for sex; but I truly believe these women who are matched up with men looking for friendship seriously want a general friend to talk to and get to know each other in their autism journey and learn from one another as individuals that’s not always gonna end up in a meaningful loving relationship down the line.
I have learnt that most women can’t understand why men can’t just be friends with women and not have those men fulfil an expectation that they will get laid down the lien in the friendship if the friendship is still going strong with a woman when these women aren’t looking for a hook up buddy in the first place and will get upset when these aspie men will make the brave attempt to tell them that they’re sexually attractive and want to know if they’re interested in taking their friendship to a new level where it results in a decline and the aspie male as an individual will be pissed off and begin to verbally abuse them and overanalyse their friendship to exclaim that the friendship would be more satisfying if sex was involved instead of just the once in a blue moon plain hangouts and talking online for the rest of them time.
So to men who are looking for a ‘friendship’ on Hiki, I’m sorry… but Hiki is not the avenue to follow for that sort of friendship, and its best to stick with Tinder as your only avenue and try your luck on that since Tinder is built for hook-ups as such as the app itself caused international headlines of hook-ups going wrong; because otherwise just keep waiting until you find a loving partner that’s your soulmate and hook-up with that partner since its all about feelings and emotion and not pleasure on both parts.
With the effort of putting yourself out there on dating apps, you need a profile photo of yourself so any user can be familiar with who you are (catfishes are excluded form this statement since they use fake photos and shouldn’t exist on dating apps as its all a cruel joke to them to trick their matches with fake photos and fake profiles). When I was going through the selections for men looking for friendship, I’ve noticed that they seem to have this conformist appeal where they all happen to have untidy looking neck-beards that look like pubic hair, wear glasses and they appear to be fat or chubby and take their selfies up too close to the camera on their faces or just a standard pose standing at some monument or at a park somewhere in town. Also, there are other male individuals who have this harshly-described ‘autistic smile’ that makes them look nervous and have been subjected to bullying by other people where its evident the amount of news sources on Facebook feeds of men on the autism spectrum being trolled by nasty people who ridicule their smiles and the clothes they wear and how their body languages are portrayed in photos.
Now the thing is, personally I wish I could help them improve their appearances if they let me, but I know I was once in their shoes where I used to have greasy mop hair and wear mismatched clothes where colours don’t go together and I wore a silly looking bandana where I completely stood out to other men in which for the time I liked the style and didn’t care what people thought of me in those clothes and how my hair looked; but I’ve long stopped it as I started to realise that dressing smart and mature is what gives me confidence to thrive in life and people would take me serious as not a clueless wonder who had potential to improve their image a bit more with the clothes.
Going back to the topic of men who are deemed ‘not attractive’ and looking like a stereotypical individual with classic autism with how they smile, the clothes they wear and looking too out there and behaving a bit too quirkily compared to other people, I really wish there were women out there who would find them cute and at their level without judgement and can focus more of their personalities and caring nature which is common in aspie males which are valuable traits to have.
I believe also that straight aspie males on Hiki feel a lot more freedom to be themselves, so they’ll go out of their way to mention everything about who they are and hopefully women will find them attractive in their interests and personality and even their appearance as they reckon honesty is they key to being yourself and just always being transparent so they know if there is a woman out there for them, then she’s a keeper who is attracted to the male wholly.
When I was using Hiki in the first week, I already was lucky enough to have a match with a women who I initiated a conversation with her first and was surprised to how chatty i was and being able to hold a conversation with her that she even told me straightforward that she found me very attractive which I was surprised and went out of her way that I didn’t look like the other men she stumbles across on Hiki, and my first impression was those fat neck-beard wearing men or those nerdy glass wearing individuals with nervous crooked smiles in which I thought it would be the case. I was kind of hurt considering that I have been told by other women in the past that i was attractive by means that I was handsome and cute but don’t appear to be autistic which I thought was real ableist for them to say. But what can I say, those women were neurotypes who hadn’t gotten to know me personally enough to know that I’m autistic and they probably wouldn’t cope with my quirky personality anyway.