Male aspies and the struggle of waiting for love compared to aspie women (Discovery on YouTube aspie vloggers)

This really fills up my curiosity, it’s real biased if I were to say that I’ve stumbled across many aspie Youtube celebrities or even just well-known female aspie YouTube vloggers from around the world. Many examples include Willow Hope, DizzyDollie7, TheAnmish, Nicole337, The Autistic Witch, CuriosityRocks.

What do they all have in common? Most of them are in fact married women. I think it’s because they were part of that social norm of the man like any case, asking the woman out of a date out of the blue or even just starting off as friends getting to know each other; and even the man being the first then the other woman to say he’s attracted to her for so many reasons.

It’s the lead-ups that the men got to follow up on ad “be a man” that way. Some aspie men can’t even picked the signs of a woman being attracted to them or not through the body language, tone of voice and not being able to sense women’s disinterest in conversation no short or long and interest in conversation as well.

Okay, I really don’t know what the case is with this issue if it sounds to you that it’s a little farfetched what I said so far. I reckon there’s some human science behind it with evidence of human instinct to attrract the other half and who does it first majority of the time for proving grounds to prove the braver one.

As for me stumbling across male aspie vloggers, most of them have vlogs talking about their struggles finding a girlfriend or just waiting for the right one to come or even just someone who may just be a good run for a period of time before breaking up (not to be too negative).

It even strikes me is that they express anxiousness talking about how they seemed to not be able to hold decent conversations with women while not specifying each woman as aspie or a neurotype; and this also applies to struggling to be able to ask out women or woo a women over somehow with talking about their skills and talents they possess.

Also, they are talking about issues with how they don’t feel confident enough to thinking they are boyfriend material or to even start somewhere to find a woman they’re attracted with and see if the women are attracted right back at them somehow. It’s more so that they feel like it’s really not fair for aspie men to have to be brave to ask out women on dates, build conversations with women they’re interested in and make sure they’re still interested in them that way. The same applies if they did activities together as friends which is more a real interest for the aspie man but not so much the woman at all but she tries to appreciate your interests, but but not enough that she can see herself with that aspie man with what she had already gathered altogether earlier on and later on.

I’m not saying its all about having those colourful feathers to flutter around to attract those female birds, but just communication involved in having women getting to know aspie men personally and emotionally that leads them wondering if there’s a connection with the men gets quite unhinged sometimes with the limited interests or uncommon interests at play and the type of personality they have.

Even some can be picky with what an aspie men could be wearing who has no fashion-sense and yet its all for identity and to show that they “don’t change for others” when in fact  they can be showing that they’re juvenile in appearances and in their minds as well, which ironically can tie in with activities they do alone like playing with nerdy pop-culture collectibles and figurines, making their bedrooms look “kiddy” with how they decorate their rooms to not appear to look like a typical mature adult bedroom in some cases with colour themes of the walls and their bedding.

Anyways, this was a quick article on an odd issue based on a much broader issue relating to relationships and how relationships are initiated out of one of the other of the pairs.

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Being home alone in an empty house (“Talking To Myself”)

It’s a strange experience for me, I honestly will admit I feel like there’s ghosts of people from the past but mainly my school friends floating about. I always “talk to myself” when I’m really talking to these old past friends who are not actually dead (well I don’t know for sure if any of them are dead except one, since I haven’t seen them for a very long time). I would be arguing that things that bothered me from the past that weren’t resolved or I didn’t have my way with things with them.

It honestly distracts me from my work and other fun activities that I try to do in most cases and I can’t hit the pauses button as my mind goes on auto-pilot mode when it happens. Sometimes it feels like there’ invisible CCTV cameras around every room of my home observing every move I make and every thing i say,

This is another reason why I need company around at home or anywhere really, otherwise I keep doing this strange behaviour, I have heard form others that they do often talk to themselves when they’re alone since they’re alone with their mind with the flooding thoughts running through their brains. For this case, it’s all acceptable as long as you don’t do it around people.

One day this habit would end for me if I end up living with a loving partner that I’ll have around in our home which will distract me from having these “talking to ghosts’ periods in the home because she’ll be around me most of the time.

Don’t model yourself over bullies and bullying due to being “clueless”

This is something you’ve yet to know, I wasn’t diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder or even autism as a kid as I was doing pretty well in a mainstream primary and high school as my social and educational skills were exceptionally higher than average.

One thing I wish this generation of children and teenagers should do is not model themselves as a school bully even if that person is top-dog of the school and everyone is too afraid to touch that kid even with a ten-foot pole; or too anxious to even try to out-smart, out-do and out-speak a bully who’s clever enough to out-smart you. Let them bullies not be looked up to. It also applies to bullies who are deemed “the most attractive and untouchable” individuals. Seriously, don’t even think about modelling yourself over a cartoon character like Roger from Doug, Ashley from Recess, Nanette Manoir from Angela Anaconda.

I’ll be honest with you, I simply didn’t pay attention to what they said about me at high school as sometimes, the insults were referencing something that I didn’t even know about in the beginning; hence why I didn’t get hurt from the verbal insults from the other high school kids. I remember one time during lunch-break I was lining in the canteen, some wanna be skater-dude tough kid started taunting me and says “Hey, go make a sandwich” and so did his other mate of his. The reason was that they noticed that while I was waiting in the queue, I must’ve just been staring blankly into space and they found me staring right across form the queue while still lined up in the canteen queue without blinking.

I realised years later what the reference was, and that was off that comedy film Bad Santa that had that Cabbage Patch faced fat kid who’s deemed “retarded” and “clueless” with what he gets into like getting a wedgie form the bullies, staring blankly at Bad Santa when he mets him at the local shopping mall and always ask too many questions especially “Could I fix you a sandwich” too many times, the moment when Bad Santa lives over at the fat kid’s grandparents home that he was living at. That bullying incident form the high school canteen came back to me and I was like “Oh my fucking god! they saw me as that fat Cabbage-Patch faced kid who appeared dumb and clueless in that Bad Santa film!” and I was quite pissed since it took me years to work out this one confusing bullying situation that I copped a few times at high school from those two bullies.

Another time when I was “clueless” and I was very passively aggressive and physically aggressive as well at primary school, there was this squeaky girly-voiced scrawny slim-jim kid who just wouldn’t back from me and use to always ask me “Are you mental?” or “Are you mentally retarded?” or even a simple “Are you retarded? heh heh heh heh heh!” and he would run from me. I managed to ignore him for a  while, until he started to pick on my sense of humor out of jealousy because I was quite the class clown in my classes and could make all the kids laugh until Grade 4 when I started to lose respect for it and was deemed “immature and unfunny and annoying”. This kid for a whole year kept saying “You’re not funny” repeatingly to my face, each of my ears and right behind me as he followed me from behind in the schoolyard through recess and lunch. I could only escape from him was just being with a bunch of acquaintances kids because for a time I didn’t get along with the other kids because they played sport a lot and I didn’t like physical activity overall including because I was clumsy as hell and accident prone since I couldn’t focus pretty well which resulted me tripping, slipping in mud, tripping on my laces and even running into a wall by accident when I’,m on a natural high running around like an idiot pretending I was on drugs.

The drama is long over now since I moved to a new town and I put behind the old primary and high school dramas behind me and not be surrounded by those toxic people all grown up like me and not have to worry about bumping into them in the streets or anywhere around town.

Feeling crushed on dating apps

I get the feeling that with been lucky enough to get a match on a dating app, and I mean messaging the woman first and they respond. It’s at that point I can start a civil conversation getting to know that woman. You end up having a a very extensive conversation with one other for 2 straight nights and there’s no deep and meaningful material to chat about but talking about our interests (music, sports etc).

I get the feeling when I’m chatting to a woman on a dating app, I feel as though she’s chatting up more than one man including me but she maybe steering towards another guy in conversation and swinging to wanting to know more about the other guy than me. It’s usually the case that the woman is too busy with work, too busy with studies, but hey… they got free time eventually for a quick chat or two each day and taking ti slow getting to know someone.

Maybe it’s because despite I hold two jobs I’m very flexible with time and I got time to invest energy into chatting up a woman on a dating app and there’s rarely any women out there on the same boat as me. And that my friend is being flexible with time and having that balance with work, studies and social life…

 

 

My aspie view on the issues with the “hook-up scene” and “friends with benefits”…

I will admit that I’ve never succeed in the past getting a friend with benefit when my needs were through the roof. The reasons was that the woman either don’t want to hurt me, they want to keep as as a close friend that they need int heir life for a listening ear or close company without sexual encounters at all. It seems that they sense my sweetness, caring and compassionate side of me a bit too much, or was it because I showed too much of that and not be so blunt and they “You know I wouldn’t mind fucking you for fun, you’re hot as”; and I very much doubt seducing them with cheesy pick up lines and talk like some horny asshole-type meathead to get action from women. I feel like it makes no difference with what kind of women that these type of men encounter for casual sex.

I was told by one close female friend of mine that there were times when she was rejected by guys who turned her down on dating her and seeing if there’s a connection between; but however these guys still go ahead and inform her that they still would love to have a hook-up or two with her.

In the back of my mind, I don’t know any other women who goes this away but I’d love to know they can allow one way or another. It sounds hypocritical for me because I’m always making myself like I have class and I’m not a horny freak who’s willing to get addicted to the hook-up scene, but saving it for a long-term relationship. The reason is that I realised that I’m a very emotional guy and sex is something that’s meaningful to me with all the energy and emotion put into it, which leads to emotional attachment and its no longer for fun with pleasure in sexual intercourse.

I’m always in such a state of confusion why I just get jealous of folks who are successful getting sex partners or overhearing any conversation about someone’s one night stand from a single date. I ask them “Don’t you reckon you guys are gonna get very lonely one day until the day you die if you never let your heart open for love, and dying in a cold grave kicking yourself that your soul deep down longed for love with sex involved as well as the other elements of love?”.

When it comes to knowing people’s sex lives both men and women, I’m not thrown off by men talking about it with their buds because they’re just making either tall tales or its a dirty bragging right they reckon they have and its all giggles and smirking and constant praising. With the women thought they talk about it with so much class and maturity, and yet I wonder how they get action and I really want to ask them how the hook-ups or the encounters with their friends with benefits began at the start, like how they initiate the trust and how the guy approached them in the beginning with talking to them into sex. I don’t rely on gaining the knowledge from just men because I feel like they’re very immature with how they explain it.

If I was gonna go down that direction to finding a friend with benefit if I started to feel like love isn’t there for me anytime soon and my sex drive is through the roof, I really don’t know how to go about seducing, talking a female friend into sex and even initiating the trust between us without any excuses like I mentioned above of this blog article. This is mainly why I go for long-term relationships and just keep looking at sex as something meaningful and not for all fun and games in the bed or wherever you may engage in sex at. I just think i’ll get too emotionally attached to the female friend in a case of paranoia and things will start to screw up between us in general with our friendships.

All this looking and searching for female friends for the purpose of friends with benefits is too frustrating and too difficult to handle in the end for me. I just hope I won’t overhear any sex stories involving friends with benefits and hook up buddies that will get me all triggered and angry that I’m blue-balled for so long while trying to think positive why I don’t need a sex partner and why its more important for me to engage in sex with a loving partner in a long-term relationship or a possible open relationship which I don’t see myself in at all.

Lyrics from songs that speak to me as an aspie (Part 1)

“Do you think its strange. That there’s a way. Of how you look and how you act and how you think.
Pretend they’re not the same as you”
All My Best Friends Are Metalheads by Less Than Jake

That’s my direct response to my past friends who found my hairstyle in Year 11 and 12 strange with how I had that awesome number two cut with a sweeped emo fringe to go with it the haircut. I loved it and it seems that I didn’t fit the male clique of keeping my the hair trends back then, since I was the only kid in high school in my year level who had this hair-style. I think I might’ve invented the haircut!

“A long time ago, we used to be friends, but I haven’t thought of you lately at all”
We Used To Be Friends by The Dandy Warhols

Pretty self-explanatory but it’s more of thinking of my past friends who stuck around and build me up but decide to give me the silent treatment when it seems they didn’t want to get in touch with me anymore. Also, it’s directed towards my last two ex-best friends where the mate-ship faded over the years; but I’ve gotten over the ex-friendships now since I don’t look back on the past too much.

“When you’re lost out there and you’re all alone. A light is waiting to carry you home
Everywhere you look”
Full House Theme Song

These line of lyrics touched me so much within my heart and soul, it’s told me that it’s okay to feel like you’re alone when you’re out of high school or university and you got no idea where life will take you whatever path you choose.

“I’m bound forever to this house. I can never go beyond that door. I dance alone”
Beloved by Wendy Matthews

Just reflecting on my last relationship which was bogus, and that one girl at high school I really wish was mine forever, but her path was forked and she went to the path of despair and went off the rails and couldn’t stick around in my life no more.

RUSHED RANT 1: Is a male aspie being the “dream guy” towards women to some degree a myth?

I remember seeing something on YouTube that was related to aspie men looking for love, I believe it was the Bancroft TV channel and it featured a bodybuilder living on the autism spectrum and he’s fit as a fiddle so he can leap walls and run like Road Runner through an athletic’s field track and not cark it at all and pass out with a nasty stitch. I then see a bunch of women down the street getting interviewed one by one by the cameraman, who asks them what they think of that athletic bloke doing push ups nearby at a local park. They’re all going ooh-la-la style over this guy and each woman admit they wouldn’t mind dating him though the cameraman drops the truth bomb on them that he’s on the autism spectrum and he has a little bit of Tourette’s which hinders his social skills a lot. And do you know what’s very surprising? They all say they don’t care if he’s on the autism spectrum and has Tourette’s, they all want a piece of him and they se him by the way he looks that he grooms nicely and it seems like a very sweet guy and all.

So is it about image which can push aside the fact a man on the autism spectrum just needs to look good and stay buffed with all that gym sessions daily, and the women will just see a good looking guy and not care if he shows a weakness in his social skills. I don’t want to believe that and I want some women to disagree with that statement and tell me that image is not all they look for, and they can just be attracted to a man’s personality over his appearance. Like seriously, can it just be personality you’re all to be attracted for and still want physical intimacy and also just enjoy fun things together and talk with that guy if it means you’re in a relationship or just dating casually?

In my experience I was fortunate enough to spend 2 months chatting and getting to know this very beautiful Sri Lankan women through POF 4 to 5 years ago. She had high living, lots of friends, top of her uni classes, life of the party and scored a Psychology degree with extra credentials to it. Now this is where I realised I was very lucky that she was a guy who she had been looking for after she “dropped her standards a little”. But the twist was that she was real ice queen in the beginning as she just divorced her husband and jumped right into the dating scene months later and went travelling everywhere around Europe jumping form country to country alone, all just to get away from her husband and date men all around Europe.

She had told me that all the guys she dated were hunks and she wanted to bang them so bad, but she realised they were a bunch of immature little boys and they weren’t very sweet to her and abused her. I reckon she just stopped looking for “hunk guys” who were something out of the blokes from Jersey Shore or something; and went for guys who weren’t so chiselled but at least had one nice physical feature. One feature she loved about me was my blue eyes which she was a complete sucker for.

While getting to know each other we discovered that we had a lot in common with music and we both came form very loving supportive families in our lives. Also, she loved the fact I expressed a lot of quirks in conversations with constantly messaging on Viber and going through voice phone and video calls which made it extra special as I knew I wasn’t cat-fished thank goodness. What was more important to know is that she accepted that I had Asperger’s and she didn’t care one bit and wouldn’t judge me for it and liked that I was different in a great way compared to the other “hunk guys” she had let them chase her a lot.

Okay, to cut to the chase it never worked out because as much she wanted to date me a few times and start a relationship, she was too busy running away from her ex-husband overseas and didn’t think we would make things work. I accepted it wouldn’t work though I tried to convince her to hang on, and so we stuck around until she came back to my home country and I only had the one chance to meet her for a move session. The experience was unpleasant in person and I felt like I couldn’t connect with her whatsoever at  an emotional and spiritual level like I predicted while communicating with her online via phone.

My point is that there’s got to be neurotypical women out there who can see the qualities in an aspie man whether they see the man has Autism Spectrum Disorder or not which makes up a great mix for a “dream guy” and not some out-there oddball alone on this planet and push them away and tell them there will be someone better. I’m sorry o say but it doesn’t always better with each new woman like me date. So far only that Sri-Lankan and this country girl up north of my state were right for me, but they couldn’t a future with me with their own reasons I had to accept. I’m still alone and still waiting for the “right one” to come whomever she’s top-class sort or just someone whose beautiful but doesn’t go all out to be extraordinary and travel overseas, hold a career with a yearly six figure salary and just lives the simple thing sin life like I do.

At this point, all of this has been one thing.

 

Contradiction…

 

I can’t break the contradictions at all.

 

But I’ll still be waiting with my head still held high and know there’s gonna be someone special out there who was made to be in my life forever as a lover who I’ll marry someday.